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time doesn't exist in the mountains   
11:34pm 02/11/2007
  right now I'm listening to my ex boyfriends music list on his myspace. what can I say? the guy listens to sweet fucking music. I really love radiohead. they changed my life. it's so crazy what music can do for the soul. whenever I listen to music that is inspirational to me I get depressed that I don't write anymore. It's not that I don't want to it just feels like I've lost the ability. I use to have so much to tell the world...I guess I just don't feel like talking to the world anymore. ooh, modest mouse. anyway, I'm in the poconos right now with topher. His sister is getting married and I'm his date. the wedding is tomorrow. it should be a great time, seeing as how I'm friends with many people in tophers family, I'll have to let you know. who's you? no one even goes on livejournal anymore except andy and anne.

I need to let go of my past. I'm so bitter inside I'm turning sour. you know what comes after sour right? rotten. then garbage. I'm garbage. fuck. I feel sorry for myself tonight. I hate that shit. I just can't deal with the fact that the fire inside me is dying, but I don't know how to fuel it, that's the thing. I don't know how to fucking ignite myself. Anthony is asleep and all I want to do is talk to him.		  
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12:05pm 23/05/2006
  I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts more then it's anything else. what's the point in that? it has to be so hard doesn't it? no matter what, the ending is going to blow, it's gonna blow really bad and it is gonna hurt and this is exactly what I didn't want, I just can't do that shit again it almost fucking killed me last time, but that's too bad, it's time to just do it, just take the leap even though I don't want to I need to can't you understand I just have to, it will be worth it, just give me some months. if it turns out not to be worth it I just don't know then. I won't know anything. I don't know anything now so I guess it doesn't really matter now does it  
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what is going on?   
10:32pm 05/04/2006
  regardless of all the things my mother has done to me, and still indirectly does to me, she is the only human being who can stop my asthma without medication, and she is the only human being in the entire world who can really make me feel better when I'm crying so hard I can't breath  
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07:56pm 07/12/2005
  ***PLEASE FORWARD WIDELY***

HOME DEMONSTRATION PLANNED AGAINST REPENT AMERICA LEADER

Saturday, December 10th, 2005 – 3PM
62 East Stewart Avenue, Lansdowne, PA, 19050

On Saturday, December 10, 2005 we will take a stand against those who choose to oppress and organize against the GLBT community, those who spread racism and hate, and those who attempt to dismantle a woman's right to choose what she does with her body. We will be having a home demonstration against Michael Marcavage, leader of the Philadelphia-based Christian fascist organization Repent America on Saturday, December 10th at 3PM.

Repent America seeks to spread their intolerance for others by using the fear of god's wrath as a basis for spreading their fascist
ideology. They are an extremely dangerous hate group that will go to any and all lengths in order to gain power and control over people and communities. They will stop at nothing to see their messages spread and implemented by any means they see fit. The group advocates the murder of all members of the gay and lesbian community and are staunch opponents of a woman's right to choose. Repent America has direct links to organizations like the Army of God and White Rose Society who support saving "unborn babies" by any means. This includes anything up
to and including physically harming abortion providers.

Ignoring Repent America is NOT an option, for they will assume such an act to be acceptance of their existence. Instead we MUST act as a community, together, and show Michael and Repent America that we do not accept or tolerate them, period. Let's tell him that we will never fear him, his organization, his god, or the police state he tries to use to gain control. We've won many battles against fascism in the past and this will be no different. Our movement will continue to grow strong against hate groups of any banner and against the police force
standing along side of them. Through continued education and by the empowerment of others we can stand in solidarity together to face our oppressors and bring them down.

Let there be freedom for all oppressed people without any compromise!

Join us at the home demonstration:

Saturday, December 10th, 2005 – 3PM
62 East Stewart Avenue, Lansdowne, PA, 19050		  
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01:12am 06/12/2005
 
mood: contemplative
music: Sia- breathe me
1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
I can honestly say 2005 was the absolute worst year of my entire life..even worse then the year my dad died. that's so bad.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
seeing ryan and murphy after they moved...running the stairs in NC with lauren....watching alias with my brother...moving into my house...so so many

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
any time daniel made me cry so hard I wanted to throw up

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
at my old house with the loves of my life. CREW <3

5) Who were you with?
all my homies, and some kid phil who was on E

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
at my current house, again with all my homies

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
crew baby

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
I don't even remember it if I did have one

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
nope. Oh yeah! I didn't have one cause I think they're lame

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
what's with the love shit? do you want to upset me?

11) If yes, with who?
oh daniel

12) If yes, do they know?
he did

14) You regret it?
I do not regret a single moment. I know the feelings were very mutual when they existed.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
nope

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
I def did, and it rules

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
umm, who asks that?

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
well, let's see.....they all sucked my ass, but if I have to pick I'd say april or september

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
indeed. bermuda baby

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
I was in a bunch, but nc and florida stick out. so does pa. and so does virginia.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
I did and it still makes me sad

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
that is the understatement of the century

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
HARRY POTTER of course!

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
that is so hard.

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
also very hard

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
a decent amount

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
tonight actually. against me! in a bowling alley...it felt like the old days and it ruled.

28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
not alot at all

29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
no drugs, unless we're couting the little alcohol consumption

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
like 174 or so....

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I don't care to remember that first thing, and the second thing..well, all I have to say is thank you anthony.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I'm certainly not telling the truth on here

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
of course

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
it happens

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
it makes me sick to think about, but it's all worth it. honestly though, probably around 22 grand. I know, it's sick.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
making it through all the shit that I was dealt this year.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
I don't embarrass easily.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
no regrets

40) What are your plans for 2006?
getting through it alive.		  
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cause you can bend the truth till it's suiting you.....   
12:39am 02/12/2005
 
mood: gloomy
music: jon brion - here we go
some days I don't even think about him at all. other days I can't even fucking sleep because he won't leave my brain alone. sometimes it's so bad that my stomach hurts because I just want to call him and tell him that I want him in every sense of the word. it's winter and cold, and I don't want to be alone. I want someone that I'm comfortable being myself around, someone who I can talk to...someone who can make me laugh really hard. I want someone who will hold me when I cry, and pick me up when I fall. I need someone who knows when to push at me, and when to back off. I need someone who can carry my weight at those times when no matter how hard I push I just can't do it for myself. I want someone who will completely indulge in childish antics with me...like going sledding or having a food fight or something. I want someone who can be okay with just lying around in warmness to watch a movie or a fire. I need someone who makes me feel safe. I need to feel safe. because I don't. at all.

whenever I feel like this I always think about really amazing moments I had with dan...one time I came home from work and I jumped in the shower, and when I got out he had built a fire and made a bed in front of it, and the cure was playing...and we just layed there for hours kissing and listening to music. it's not like I miss dan but I really miss feeling like that. just so content.

It makes me feel really good just to stand next to this person. we don't even have to be talking. I mean, it's really awesome when we are talking. when I ask him how his day was I really care about the answer. fuck it. what really matters anyway?		  
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10:37am 30/11/2005
  I have a crush...and I'm crushing hard. it's almost fun and awesome, but just not quite.  
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01:31am 20/11/2005
 
Long, Random, Interesting, Bored, Blah, Fun.
The Basics
Full name::Rachel Lauren
Home town::woodbridge baby..but really BRICK
Birthday::may 10th
Appearance
Hair color::brownish
Eye color::some brown, some yellow, ya know
Height::5'6 and some
Contacts or glasses::glasses
Piercings::eyebrow
Do you wear any rings?:sterling silver amber that mandie gave me, and one just silver on the other hand
What shoes do you wear?:I like flip flops and sneakers
Just Lately
How are you today?:pretty alright
What pants are you wearing?:just undies
What shirt are you wearing?:just undies! I'm mostly naked right now
What song are you listening to right now?:haha, don't laugh...ashlee simpson-boyfriend
What was the last thing you ate?:pretzel bites
How is the weather right now?:FUCKING COLD
What time is it?:2:14am
More About You
What are the last four digits of your phone?:9246
If you were a crayon what color would you be?:cerluen blue
Have you ever almost died?:twice actually
Do you like the person you got this survey from?:yeah, google is my bbfl
What makes you happy?:my dog, photographs, and music
What's the best advice ever given to you?:let go
Ever done drugs?:plenty
What sport do you hate the most?:soccer..I have a serious vendetta
What sport do you love the most?:softball
How many TVs do you have in your house?:5
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?:I did for a long time, but now just once in a while
Have you ever broken a bone?:my pinky toe, does that even count?
Who do you tell your dreams to?:depends on what the dream is about. or do you mean aspirations? cause that also depends on what they are at that point in life
Your Friends
Who is the...
Loudest?:angie. stupid bitch <3, and mandie
Quietest?:probably megan..no no, def murphy
Weirdest?:that's so hard, don't you know who I hang out? I guess alison
Smartest?:eric or mark
Funniest?:keith fucking beagin, kyle, and ryan
Most energetic?:erica. she needs medicine or something
Least energetic?:I've never ever seen topher move at any pace that could be considered quick
Preppiest?:kory
Blondest?:duh, jerzey
One you can trust with anything?:mark, my brother, and murphy..and recently I'm thinking I can add alex to this list
Best friend?:miss mandie leigh
Most likely to end up in jail?:big b
Cutest?:that's hard! anthony, eric, murphy, ryan, and kory
Daredevil?:hmmm, I don't know man
Shortest?:topher?
Tallest?:stiv or ant
Would you die for your friends?:every single one of us. believe it.
Do you have a crush on any of your friends?:sometimes, but usually not
You and Love
Do you believe in love?:yes
Do you believe in love at first sight?:yes
Do you want to get married?:yes
What song do you want to be played at your wedding?:I don't know
Dream guy--GIRLS FILL OUT ONLY!
Long or short hair?:short
Curly or straight?:straight, but I do like curly
Tall or short?:tallllllllll
Good boy or bad boy?:good morals, naughty actions
Hat or no hat?:depends
Ears pierced or not?:who cares?
Dimples?:those are so sweet
Studly or cutie?:depends on their body type
Smart or dumb?:smart.
Boxers or briefs?:don't give a fuck
Funny or romantic?:I've had both
Dream girl--GUYS FILL OUT ONLY!
Regular or thong undies?:
Painted nails or not?:
Dressy or casual?:
Curly or straight hair?:
Dark, light, or cool/crazy eyes?:
Hat or no hat?:
Hair up or down?:
Jewelery or not?:
Tall or short?:
Smart or dumb?:
Blonde or brunette?:
Pants or skirt?:
Funny or romantic?:
This/That
Lights on or off::off
McDonalds or Burger King::BK
Do you wish on stars?:I have
Which finger is your favorite?:duh
What do you think of the person you took this from?:google is a nice man
Do you like your handwriting?:my print, not my cursive
What's your favorite lunch meat?:meat is for posers
Any bad habits?:smoking, cursing, saying whatever comes to mind, hitting, yelling, the list goes on...
Do you have any embarrasing CDs on your shelf?:brian Mcknight is probably my lowest
If you were another person would you be friends with yourself?:probably not
Are you a daredevil?:I am when the oppertunity arises
Do looks matter?:sometimes
What do you miss the most right now?:my harry potter pillow alison made me for xmas last year
What are you thinking of right now?:not wanting to sleep alone
Do you think there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?:there is no rainbow.
Do fish have feelings?:yes, they have CNS
How do you release anger?:yelling mostly
Where is your second home?:mandies house, or dominos...pathetic, I know
Do you trust others easily?:not easily, but not too hard
What was your favorite toy as a child?:cabbage patch dolls were the best!
What class in school do you use as "nap time"?:whatever period I was tired
Are you in love with someone?:not really
What's your favorite color(s)?:pink, silver, black, red
What is your least favorite thing in the world?:posers
Ever been on TV or in the newspaper?:yes
What do you do when you're sad or depressed?:cry and listen to music that makes me want to kill myself
Do you use sarcasm a lot?:never
What are your nicknames?:mama rachel, founzi, and hey you
Would you bungee jump?:fuck yes
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?:nope
What are you worried about right now?:my western civ test
Anything else you want to add?:crew
Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d
  
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01:23am 16/11/2005
  I feel overwhelmingly nostalgic right now...it's hurting my chest  
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04:35pm 10/11/2005
  I didn't even think anyone read this thing anymore. thanks for the nice comments. anne, I love you too. and even if we are never as close as we were, it doesn't matter, because I will always love you, and I will always remember that it was you who taught me so much about myself, and who showed me what unconditional love was. I miss you annie.  
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02:14am 10/11/2005
  I haven't cried as much as I have in the last two weeks since my father died....my heart is shattered...I feel so alone...I don't want to be an orphan.  
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"why do you let those guys get away with it?"   
03:23am 21/02/2005
  I'm not one for self pity. I quite honestly think it's bullshit. like I said not that many entries ago. it's all supposed to happen, you can't change it, so just do whatever you have to to learn all you can from it.

Tonight I don't believe that. Tonight I feel like a good fucking wallow. I am so angry. about everything. for the last 2 months of my life a whole lot of things have changed, not for the good I might add, and I can't do anything about it. not a single mother fucking thing. I'm bitter. The only thing I'm not bitter about is my break up with Dan. Which just seems funny in itself because for most that would be the biggest thing to be bitter about.

Right now I just have that whole ridiculous mind set of "why can't anything ever go the way I want it to go?", which is stupid because everyone has things that go their way all the time but we continually harp on those things that don't. So even though I know things do go my way, most of the time for that matter because I'm a "doer", I can't help but be totally fixated on this one damn thing. fuck. The brain is such an exhausting concept.

I love life. Don't get me wrong, it's all screwy everyday, but I thrive. shit. fuck. bitch. ass. dick. fuck. whore. slut. cunt. fuck. damn.

I love to curse. I love words. they're so incredibly powerful. I'm insane right now. You have no. idea.		  
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boredom is more then a state of mind...it's a crippling illness   
02:41am 19/02/2005
  1. name: Rachel
2. single or taken: single...for the time being
3. sex: female
4. birthday: may 10th
6. siblings: one older broher who is my best friend
7. hair color: naturally some shades of brown, but I have red and blonde highlights right now and I look hott as fuck
8. eye color: beautiful if I dont' say so myself
9. shoe size: freakishly big, actually just a 9
10. height: 5'6 and some

r e l a t i o n s h i p s

1. who are your best friends? manide leigh, his name is not bill, my brother
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I did not that long ago.

f a s h i o n s t u f f

1. where is your favorite place to shop: the sale racks
2. any tattoos or piercings: eyebrow piercing, and five tattoos. music notes on my forearm, a radiohead guy on my shoulder, a heart for my dad on my calf, a flower/tribal thingy on my side, and CREW in the butchest spot EVER

s p e c i f i c s

1. do you do drugs?: I smoke cigarettes
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: either tresseme or herbal essence. they both smell awesomely delicious
3. what are you most scared of?: disorder and dominos
4. who is the last person that called you?: umm, alison I think?
5. When do you want to get married?: when it's right..but I know I'm going to be an awesome wife and mother
6. what would you change about yourself?: I'm so disgustingly over-analytical. I hate it.

f a v o r i t e s

1. color: pink, black, silver, and purple
2. food: pasta, fruit, and trail mix
3. boys names: joshua and damien
4. girls names: issabella and hailey
5. subjects in school: anything to do with history or writing
6. animals: dogs, horses, and ferrets, but I love them allllllllll
7. sports: softball and swimming. <3

h a v e y o u e v e r

1. given anyone a bath?: yes
2. smoked?: everyday
3. bungee jumped?: no but I will def do that in the near future
4. made yourself throw up?: a few times, but it was a long time ago
5. skinny dipped?: yes
6: ever been in love?: absolutely, but just once
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I dare you to find one girl who hasn't done that
9. actually seen your crush naked?: quite a lot of them actually
10.cried when someone died?: umm, are you serious?
11. lied: I have never EVER told a lie in my ENTIRE life
12. fallen for your best friend?: twice actually, one right now
13. been rejected?: yeah
14. rejected someone?: yeah
15. used someone?: I refrain from this question
16. done something you regret?: just a couple things

c u r r e n t

clothes: boxer shorts and a tank top
music: lisa loeb- I do
make-up: yeah, but it's from before when I was out
annoyance: sharing my personal space
in cdplayer: mp3 list with headphones right now, but in my car I have a mix manide liehg made me
in dvd player: okay, don't laugh. please. Honey, the jessica alba movie.

l a s t p e r s o n

you touched: anthony
hugged: keith
you IMed: anthony
you yelled at: I didn't yell at all today, so I'm not sure if this is accurate, but probably my grandmother, anthony, or keith
you kissed: we'll just leave this one out for privacy reasons

a r e y o u

understanding: like 96% of the time
open-minded: totally
arrogant: occassionally
insecure: yeah
random: sure
hungry: a little bit
smart: yes
moody: def
organized: I'm a freak about it
shy: generally no, but there are always those weird times
difficult: depends on who you ask
attractive: sometimes, will be a lot more may 20th

r a n d o m

In the morning I: am a huge fucking bitch
love is: a ouble edged sword
i dream about: all sorts of things. there is this one thing that I have dreamt about repeatedly for years now but I've only told one person about it and that's the way it's going to stay

o p p o s i t e s e x

what do you notice first: eyes, height, sense of humor
Personality: you have to make me laugh. it's so damn important.
last person you slow danced with: Dan at brendans wedding. he was really drunk, but it was so much fun
who makes you smile? anthony considering he's the last person I saw tonight
who do you have a crush on? that is confidential for the time being..haha, funny how I don't want to tell you guys or any of my friends but I told the person who I have the crush on. I'm just ridiculous

d o y o u e v e r

sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: I have in the past, but not since I was like 15
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: hell yeah. they never have to push watermelons out of holes the sixe of a golf ball
wish you were younger: never
cry because someone said something about you?: today actually, but it was a dramatic fluke. won't happen again.

n u m b e r

of times i have had my heart broken: twice
of hearts i have broken: two
of guys/girls you kissed: I could probably give an exact number if I thought hard enough, but I'll just say 25+
of continents i have lived in: one
of tight friends: tight friends? jeez, like 16 or so. I'm a very lucky girl and I never take it for granted
of cds i own: 100+
of scars on your body: tons. I was a tom boy for many many years

f i n a l q u e s t i o n s

1. do you like fillings these out?: it passes the time
2. gold or silver: I. Hate. Gold.
3. what was the last film you saw at te movies?: uhhh, closer. the Jude Law and Natalie Portman movie. I loved it so much and I can't wait for it to come out on DVD!!
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: yuck. anime=shit. I love the simpsons, and family guy.
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: egg and cheese on a bagel. it was free from the kid who works next door in the deli from my job. SWEET! free shit rules.
9.you love being locked in a room with?: my doggie
11. could you live without your computer?: yes, no doubt in my mind
12. would you color your hair? wow, this is so repetitive
13. could you ever get off the computer?: I'm going to as soon as I'm done with this survey
14. habla espanol?: fuck yeah
15. how many people are on your buddy list?: 156
16. drink alcohol?: I'm drunk on life
17. would you date the person you got this from?: of course, in a heart beat


well, that was awful. good night.		  
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02:30am 13/02/2005
  it's been awhile since I've put my thoughts and feelings into this thing. I don't even know if I'm ready to let it all out yet. my life for the last year has been a whirl wind event. I've conquered and lost, I've weeped and laughed, and all that falls in between. I've hated. I've been joyful. what else is new that's life. the ups and downs, the in bewteens. it's all supposed to be there. it is what it is. I can't change a fucking thing about it. I wouldn't even want to. it all makes me stronger. it all makes me smarter, and in the end, it will all make me better. wiser. more true to myself and my surroundings. it's all okay. right....yeah.  
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03:05am 10/02/2005
  will you tell me if it was a mistake? please.  
     Read 1 - Post
 
it's 4:30am and I am wide awake   
03:23am 17/01/2005
  Three names you go by:
Rachel
Fondi
Hey you

Three screen-names you have gone by:
Chilly_Luv
kcorknup
decline chicky

Three things you hate about yourself:
my inability to to stop talking
how I don't think before I speak
my over-analytical brain


Three things about your heritage:
Italian
Italian
Italian


Three things that scare you:
cancer
fear
I don't really have a third one


Three of your everyday essentials:
a hoodie
music
friends

Three things you are wearing right now:
a t-shirt
comfy shorts
and that's it!


Three things you want to try in the next year:
bungee jumping
getting out of the dominos mafia
getting an apartment with roomates


Three truths:
communication can fix the world
vacation is a mental massage
I've got my friends


Three physical things about the opposite sex that attract you:
eyes
smile
height


Three things you just can't do:
cheat on a partner
be nice for long periods of time to my immmediate family
tell my boss to suck a fat one


Three of your favourite hobbies:
writing
reading
coloring (it's so damn thereputic)


Three things you want to do badly right now:
sleep
dream
forget


Three careers you are considering:
writer
adolescent substance abuse counsler
teaching


Three places you want to go on vacation:
Canada
North Carolina
California


Three things you want to do before you die:
have children
feel happy and content for a long period of time
jump out of a plane		  
     Post
 
and so it is, just like you said it would be   
02:34pm 09/12/2004
  the december chill is trying to work it's way into my heart, but your hands and smile fight it for me. When I'm with you it feels like july. I can't take my eyes off of you....I can't take my eyes off of you. even through it all, and with all the time that has passed, I fall more and more in love with you every passing day. Don't ever stop holding me and telling me you love me, that I'm beautiful, that my skin is soft and my eyes are mesmorizing..don't ever stop for it would never feel right coming from another. Jerry Mcguire style you complete me. I can't take my eyes off of you. Soft moonlight falls through the window and I catch your glance, one that's filled with love and admiration...I smile ever so softly and put my hands on your face. I will never let go. you belong to me, and I to you. we've made it through the storm. No love, no glory. I can't take my eyes off of you.  
     Post
 
   
11:08pm 09/11/2004
  October 20th 2004.  
     Post
 
some people search for a fountain, promises forever yours   
10:03pm 17/10/2004
 
mood: drained
music: alicia keys
I looking for everything in all the wrong places. I have never felt so unwhole and empty in my entire life. I am completely. drained. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone I have ever loved. I don't know where, or who, to turn to. I spent the last 4 hours crying, contemplating all these god damned fucking things, and you know what I came up with? none of it matter. not a single fucking thing. it doesn't matter because it simply can't. I have no where to go, no one to go to, and no where to hide. this is just an intense feeling rachel, it will be okay tomorrow..each new day brings new emotions and new outlooks. keep telling yourself that rachel. don't give in. don't break down. you've gone through worse...or have you? even through all the shit I've been through I was able to survive because I felt it. regardless that it was immense hatred and anger and confusion, I still felt it. I. am. empty. it's scary. I'm scared for my own sanity. my brain hurts. my eyes are tired. fuck it.		  
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06:36pm 05/10/2004
  I wish I was still in High School.  
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clerks37
 
 
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